Every behavior has a potential payoff, or we wouldn't engage in it. This is particularly applicable to people who have suffered for years, not months, with their situation, and where the groove has most definitely become a rut.The subject of "Eyewitness to Combat" talks about how being a "f*cked-up Vietnam vet" was a mask he could wear at times -- not that those times were always under his control -- in order to get other people to back off or keep their distance. Carolyn Myss, author of the New Age classic, "Why People Don't Heal and How They Can," talks about how attached people can get to their "wounds" -- to the point that they introduce them almost immediately into conversations with strangers, or overly bond with their friends and companions over them, with the ultimate experience being that it becomes very difficult for them to move on. "Love me, love my wounds" seems to be an unspoken demand of those too attached to their victim-hood.
This isn't to say that everyone who suffers becomes a victim -- nothing of the sort. Or that everyone who flaunts their wounds, so to speak, is doing so intentionally. But for any of us who have suffered, it's important to examine the unconscious temptations behind victim-hood, lest we accidentally fall into the quicksand and get stuck.
Bev Smallwood, Ph.D., has a book called, "This Wasn't Supposed to Happen to Me: 10 Make-or-Break Choices When Life Steals Your Dreams and Rocks Your World." She talks about how different survivors of the same experience (say, Hurricane Katrina) might all suffer, but won't all adopt the same attitudes of victim, surviver or thriver. In a chapter entitled, "Poor me," she mentions several of the potential payoffs for over-identifying with the "victim" point of view: "'Victims' don't have to be responsible for their attitudes and actions;" "'Victims' get others' sympathy and support...for a while;" and "'Victims' feel self-righteous and justified." There's even a short quiz: "After all I've been through, I've learned that you just can't trust people;" "I admit that I have a tendency to blame others when things go wrong in my life;" "I often have pity parties;" "People have told me that I complain too much;" and "I feel angry when people try to get me to make personal changes and begin to move on. They just don't understand."
Contrast those self-defeating sentiments with those in the "Survivor's Pledge," which we wrote about several years ago, here:
The Survivor's Pledge:
I will not be a victim.
I will rise above.
I will give back.
I will change the world.
There's also an ultra-fabulous chart comparing and contrasting the states of "victim," "survivor," and "thriver" -- with "thriver" being obviously the most desirable state, linked here. A wonderful OIF vet, with MST and PTSD, shared it with me a few months ago, and it's a keeper. When I shared it with the subject of "Eyewitness to Combat," another overcomer, he loved it too, and said, "PTSD is on the left, surviving is in the middle, and healing is on the right." As someone who's experienced all three states, that's how he chose to describe them... Not everyone is at the same place in their healing trajectory, but at the very least, it could serve as some inspiration for what improvement would look like, and how to get there...incrementally.
