Some words of wisdom from Vietnam veteran, professor of social work, and author, Raymond Monsour Scurfield, D.S.W., for returning veterans and their families. For everyone who searches this blog looking for "ways to support returning veterans," I hope these words will provide some constructive help and solutions:
The partner back home, the children, significant extended family members all also have their unique combinations of pre-war characteristics, strengths and problems. These inevitably become intermingled with their life experiences while the veteran has been deployed. And, similar to the veteran, their combination of pre-deployment and life experiences and characteristics and patterns during the partner’s absence while on deployment now come face-to-face with the returned veteran who has been extraordinarily impacted by war.
And so, just what is the family to say and do in regard to a veteran who has recently returned from deployment and who appears to be quite different, appears to have been significantly impacted by the war? Should the partner and family remain silent and just avoid talking with the returned active duty about these noticeable changes (that are negative) in the hope that he/she eventually will revert back to how he/she was before being deployed? Also, there could be positive changes (discussed later).
But the rest of the family has needs and wants right now. And the family has just as much right and needs as does the returning veteran to be reached out to, listened to and understood, and their issues and feelings respected and addressed. To be of optimal help to your veteran partner, you first must understand what your primary needs and wants are right now, as you and the family are readjusting to the veteran being back and adjusting to someone who has been profoundly touched by war.
Are you resentful, relieved, entrenched in daily habits developed while your veteran partner was deployed, resistant or very ambivalent that your veteran partner has disturbed whatever homeostasis you had achieved in his/her absence? Do you want to just drop all the responsibilities onto your veteran partner, because you are exhausted and angry and needy and want your own space that was impossible to have while your partner was deployed? Are you so happy to have him/her back that you choose to bury or deflect all or most of your or the family’s pent-up feelings and issues and defer to your veteran partner’s needs and wants?
Do you have really mixed feelings about your military spouse being back now? Perhaps you are missing the freedom, that life was perhaps actually simpler in some or many ways, with fewer hassles and explaining to do, when your spouse was not around. (Sometimes my wife tells me, when I might hover around her too closely in the kitchen or in the bedroom when she wants her personal time, that “I am taking her oxygen.” :-) And, you are very glad that he or she is back. Yes, for some, absence does make the heart grow fonder.
On the other hand, there are military personnel and their spouses who realize they at least partly actually prefer that they are separated by periodic deployment. And indeed, for some, their relationship and their lives work as well as they do precisely because there are periodic deployments—and both partners (or only one) prefers it this way.
Of course, you also must pay close attention to what is going on with your veteran partner recently returned from deployment overseas. The vast majority of veterans who are recently returned from war appear to be all right, do not want to dwell on what has happened to them while they were in the war, don’t want to spend much time talking about it, thinking about it, or feeling about it. Rather, they want to put it aside, deflect it or bury it and get their lives back. This is normal and expectable.
There is a substantial sub-group of returned veterans who remain totally or partially preoccupied with the war and what happened, are obviously impacted about what they have experienced, are either sorely troubled and/or become quite isolated. Ironically, most of this group, similar to the first group, also does not want to dwell on it, don’t want to talk about it, think about it, or feel about it. They too want to put it aside, deflect it, bury it, as a way to get their lives back to normal.
There is a third sub-group who revel in/savor the war, miss it, yearn for it, talk or think about it a lot—to the point that it interferes with living in the here-and-now with you. This group is probably very resistant to changing anything about themselves, may not really like much about normal civilian life, and make it very difficult for you to connect with them in a meaningful way. Or, they feel stuck and don’t know how to ask for help.
A smooth and successful readjustment may require a remarkable balancing act by both the returned service member and the family. The veteran is responsible to be aware of when he or she is struggling with deployment-related issues and problems, and doing something about it. However, the service member may be in denial about this.
And so, the family may have to decide if it is necessary to confront the service member about his/her denial and/or do a balancing or juggling act to some degree between and amongst the array of competing needs and wants of the veteran, partner, any children and any involved extended family members. If and when do you need to become more assertive with your concerns to your veteran partner and not just allow a bad situation that is not showing much sign of improving to stagnate or become entrenched and chronic. Did anyone say that life was fair?
The vast majority of vets who are trying to deflect, deny, minimize or bury what has happened in the war and what may be going on inside themselves about the war, may need a wake-up call about their denial and avoidance. This might be from a close friend, religious confidant, and/or perhaps from the partner. The family may have to decide if you are willing to do what you have to do to stay – or get – skilled at balancing patience and persistence, diplomacy and assertiveness, and giving to your veteran partner while also being vigilant to taking care of your and your family’s needs and wants. This is not an easy row to hoe, and why getting assistance and support for you may be very advisable.
--Used with permission.
