Particularly relevant to our readers, now that the holiday season is upon us, it's time to talk about grief, and its relationship to the survivor of combat trauma; the veteran, and his or her family. For the emotion grief is also part of combat trauma: both the direct grief of the veterans themselves, that never leaves, of the horrors of war, of seeing buddies die, of doing things, and seeing things, that sometimes bring them shame and agony -- and the direct or indirect grief of the family members, when trauma or PTSD drives a veteran to hopelessness, homelessness, or suicide. There's also the indirect combat trauma-based grief: grief that comes when a veteran dies. Grief is a normal, healthy, healing process, that, like combat trauma, can be a "normal reaction" to an abnormal situation occurring.
What is grief? Heavy-hearted woe, suffering, and pain, when recollecting a previous event or loved one who is no longer here. According to Roget's Thesaurus, "grief" is "Mental anguish or pain caused by loss or despair: heartache, heartbreak, sorrow. Grief is, according to the dictionary, "deep mental anguish, such as that arising from bereavement. See "regret" (yikes.) The word itself comes from a root word meaning to harm (aggrieve.) Poets have handled it deftly over the years. Think of Emily Dickinson's lines on grief:
I MEASURE every grief I meet
With analytic eyes;
I wonder if it weighs like mine,
Or has an easier size.
I wonder if they bore it long,
Or did it just begin?
I could not tell the date of mine,
It feels so old a pain.
I wonder if it hurts to live,
And if they have to try,
And whether, could they choose between,
They would not rather die.
Fortunately, several books shed light on the experience of losing a combat veteran spouse -- these two are from 
deaths in the Vietnam war era, but the principles apply today as well. The books are, Grief Denied: A Vietnam Widow's Story, by Pauline Laurent, and Sacred Shadow, Sacred Ground: A Vietnam War Widow's Journey through Unresolved Grief, by Glenda Carter. Both are five stars on Amazon.com. (See sidebar for books, or click on their hyperlinks, above.) Laurent is one of the authors featured in Maxine Hong Kington's edited anthology, "Veterans of War, Veterans of Peace, discussed earlier in this blog; and she's featured in the Bill Moyers documentary on the book as well.
There's also a very good psychological help guide on the Web, at HelpGuide.org, which describes the difficulty of grief and loss, and possible ways to handle them constructively. The guide is ca
lled, "Coping with Grief and Loss: A Guide to Grieving and Bereavement." It has many good parts, including how to take care of yourself when you're suffering, and the special issues relating to grieving a death by suicide. Click here for that link. There's also a related guide to helping or supporting someone else who is grieving: "helping your child, friend or parent cope with the death of a loved one." Click here for that link. They also have some very good material on combat trauma and PTSD. Click here for that link. There's also a very pleasant, British, low-key book called Free Yourself from Harmful Stress, that also is worth checking out. I don't have my copy handy so I can't remember if it covers combat trauma or not -- it might not. But it does cover all garden-variety psychology health issues, and is written in a very straightforward, pleasant and constructive manner.
[Editor's Note: Helpguide was created in 1999 by the Rotary Club of Santa Monica with active participation by Rotarians Robert and Jeanne Segal following the tragic suicide of their daughter Morgan. Since then, a dedicated team of talented people have collaborated to create a free, non-commercial resource for people in need. Helpguide’s mission is to empower you and your loved ones to understand, prevent, and resolve health challenges. Helpguide served over eight million visitors during the past 12 months and is growing by 20% per year. ]
